This is a real hard topic to try to tackle. It’s something that I struggle with almost daily. The topic is my own inadequacies as a father. My failings. What I’m doing right vs. what I’m doing wrong. Because, quite frankly, the what I’m doing wrong column seems much larger.
I struggle with my temper. Most people may be shocked by this, though those who know me might understand. I’m not a pacifist out of a sense of religious belief, or a sense of karma. I’m a pacifist because when it comes down to it I scare myself with how angry I can get, and the thought of losing that control even for a moment keeps me awake some nights. It’s especially hard when I’m stressed by work, life, the kids, marriage, school, work, money, home, money, life, et cetera. It’s all overwhelming to a nth degree, and keeping calm is not the easiest of solutions.
Mornings are the worst. I need to be out of the house at a certain time. That means, as the morning chauffeur, I need everyone ready that is going to go with me. The mornings feel like a struggle as I try to get lunches packed, and the kids dressed, while Dr. Wyf makes breakfast and coffee and helps to wrangle the “little angels”. We’re trying to work together on the opposite sides of the morning spectrum. It’s just always easy when there is so much to try to do to lose my temper, raise my voice, and maybe yell more than needed.
Now, it should be said that I probably start getting everybody up way later than I should. From the moment we wake up until we need to hit the door is about 45 minutes. A lot, I mean A * LOT, can go wrong in that time… and it usually does. We also need to check out email for the day to make sure of what we are running into, or if there is any news from the school. I have actually been making a conscious effort to only check my phone after my shower, and right before I leave. And even then, it is just to check email. Social Media, news, blogs, whatever, have to wait until we are all ready.
So to my boys, who I love very much, I am sorry. Please bear with me. I am learning how to adjust to you growing up faster than I could ever imagine. I didn’t expect you to move so fast, or fit into your own personalities so soon. Part of me still wants you to be 6 months old – a time when I could get everybody ready out the door, and still have time for my coffee before I headed to work, but alas you boys are growing up just like they said you would. I will always love you, and I will always do my best to be the dad that you need. I will always hoist you up on my shoulders, and I will always be proud of you. But, and this is the part that I am ashamed of, I will always screw up. It may be small, it may be with the best intentions, but I will make mistakes along the way. I will get mad when I probably shouldn’t have, or let my sleep deprived nature get the better of me. I’m sorry. I hope you understand, will understand one day, that it is because I am human.
I will always be here for you. I will always look after you, and I ask, simply, be patient with me. I’m learning.